Not an Ordinary Day

When I woke up this morning, I didn't want to open my eyes. I have known this day would come. I have not looked forward to this day. I have known that I would have to go through the motions of an ordinary day. Six months ago, I made dentist appointments for today, knowing that while I should be busy I would not be. So, after opening my eyes, I began my not so ordinary day in an ordinary way. I fixed breakfast for the kids and myself, watched some morning news, got all of us ready, and left for our dentist appointments. Filling out the paper work, I had to write this date down over and over, each time acting as a reminder of what today should have been. Today should have been the day I had my third baby. Or maybe I would have already had my baby and today I would be holding that precious bundle in my arms. Today, my arms ache for that baby. You see, this baby that is now growing so wonderfully inside of me is not our first attempt at having a third child. We were pregnant once before. And I have kept silent about that baby, only telling the closest of family members and friends. I suffered through morning sickness and fatigue once before, back in the summer. I had made it through Alex and Jenna's birthday without letting on. Joe and I have always waited until after our first doctor's appointment before sharing the news. But this time, I wouldn't make it to that first doctor's appointment. At almost eight weeks, I started to bleed. Days later we would learn that our baby, a baby that Joe had wanted so badly and took over a year to convince me to try for, had no heartbeat. We had lost our little one far, far too early and on July 26, 2007 the pregnancy was over. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I went through so many emotions and at times couldn't understand why I felt such grief for someone I never knew. I will never know if that baby was a boy or girl. I will never know if that baby looked like Alex or like Jenna. I will never hear that baby's laugh or gaze into that baby's eyes. But in every sense I had lost a baby, a child of mine. As a mother, it has been the hardest emotion to deal with. I grieved. I mourned. I wanted to let everyone know that, for me, that child existed. I wanted to acknowledge that that baby was a part of me, and always will be. But it is a difficult topic to talk about. And only those who have gone through such a loss can understand. I am talking about it now because there is no reason to keep it hidden. And because I will never get through another March 4th without thinking about that baby, just like I will never get through another July 26th without feeling sadness for our loss. But what is helping, what is getting me through this day, is the movement - the LIFE - that is inside of me now. This current pregnancy has been different for me. I was filled with fear for the first eight weeks. At my first appointment, while answering tons of questions all I wanted to do was scream at them to let me see my baby's heartbeat. And when the time came, and I did see that tiny heart, I broke down crying - huge sobs of relief. But I have still been filled with anxiety. I know women who have lost their babies in their 5th month. I know women who have lost their babies as late as their 38th and 39th weeks of pregnancy. I know, now, that there are no guarantees. I take nothing for granted. I know that bad things can happen to me. I hope that they will not. I hope that at the end of June my arms will be filled with a beautiful, healthy baby. In the meantime, I will take whatever sickness, ache and/or pain comes my way. And I will know that the baby I lost, the one that made me realize how much I really did want another baby, the one that gave it's life for the life of the baby that grows inside me today, will always live in my heart and will never be forgotten.